So I was 21 weeks pregnant with identical twins. We’d just returned back home after an impromptu trip to London for surgery on my placenta which had saved the boys lives. The next weeks and months went something like this:
Go to hospital appointment. Sit in waiting room nervously wringing hands and tapping feet. Alternate between extreme optimism and crushing pessimism. Worry about how on earth we’ll cope looking after two new babies. Feel my world blacken as I contemplate losing my babies. Get called into the consultants office. Exchange pleasantries and do the chin up routine. Get on the bed. Gel on and scanning starts. Wait for the heartbeats. I hear them. Relax. Then the measurements start. Wait nervously to hear how the babies are growing and if the twin to twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS) has returned. Get off the bed for ‘the chat’ with the consultant. He tells me that there is growth but it’s very slow and my little twin is very very small, half the size of his brother. I try and think of all the good TTTS stories I know. I remind the consultant of them. He is cautious. He reminds me of all the risks. He’s trying to prepare me for the worst. We schedule another appointment and I leave. I worry for 6 days. Then the cycle repeats itself. Again. And again. And again. For 2.5 months.
The in-between six days were hard to fill. Each week was measured in the number of days from the last scan and to the next scan. I’d been signed off work due to the risk of early delivery and I had too much time to fill every day. What made it worse was that the SPD which has started at about 15 weeks, was getting more painful and I was not able to walk any distance at all. So I spent way too much time lying on the sofa in my living room. I usually love getting lost in a book but I just couldn’t focus on anything. My mind wandered back to the boys pretty much constantly. I googled and googled and googled. That didn’t help much.
I passed a lot of time reading twin pram reviews – this was a great distraction! I’ll share my expert (!) opinions soon and believe me, those opinions are very very well researched. I did become scarily obsessed with making sure we made the very best purchase. I read up on twin baby carriers – I’d always fancied doing the baby carrying thing. But two babies side by side on your front? I think I’d be seeing an osteopath very soon after that.. I watched YouTube clips of mums demonstrating tandem breastfeeding twins. Now they really are super-mums. I read lots of parenting books and persuaded myself that we’d stick to one of these rigid baby routines and our babies would be sleeping through the night by 8 weeks! Oh the naivety!
Everything I did and thought about was overshadowed with a deep seated, sickening fear that my babies wouldn’t grow and thrive and that I’d never bring them home. Committing that sentiment to writing is difficult. It’s really hard to forget these feelings and even now, almost a year on, I frequently feel overwhelmed with the fear, anxiety and pain of this time. Often it’s the oddest things that make these feelings rush back. Every time I sit down to write my twin pregnancy posts, I end up with panda eyes and a heavy heart. Then I look over at my miracle boys enjoying their morning nap and my heart bursts with joy.
I’m linking this post up to #FabFridayPost